How to ask for what you want in the bedroom

You know that one thing your partner does…

That you would LOVE if they did a tiny bit differently…?

Or that fantasy you’ve had for years that you’d really love to act out with your current lover?

Well, how exactly do you ask for these things without making them feel like they’ve been missing the mark the entire time??

Trust me, it’s a science, an exact one…

When you come from a place of positivity and support (and use the right language – super important!), asking for what you want can be the ultimate way to bring you even closer and make sure you’re BOTH having an epic experience in the bedroom.

Below is my 5-step process for telling your partner what you want in a way that keeps them receptive, engaged, and eager to please.

1. Context and Space. Choose a time and place (ideally outside of the bedroom or before you have a sexual experience) when you’re both feeling relaxed, centered and in a good place. Ask them, “Would it be ok if we have this conversation?”. Giving them the opportunity to say yes makes it a consensual conversation that is more likely to reap the results you’re hoping for. 

2. Start it off Positively. Avoid the temptation to start with what isn’t working for you. Instead, start off with what you love and how you would love it even more if they did it more or just a bit differently. 

For example, “I feel so safe and comfortable with you when we have sex that I would love if we could try this new thing with you that I’ve never tried before”. OR, “I love when you go down on me, and I think if you could try this new thing with your tongue I would love it even more than I already do”. 

When you start with a positive tone it keeps you from coming off as critical, which helps your partner to remain receptive and motivated to work on your request. 

3. Express your WHY. What is it that you want and why? The why is a very important part of the ask as it inspires your partner to rise up and give you this desire because they understand why its good for you, themselves and the quality of your sexual experiences. 

For example, “When you stroke my vulva with a light touch, it gets me really turned on and more excited for penetrative sex” or “when you turn me on energetically before you go in physically, my whole body is able to feel more pleasure during sex”.

4. Give crystal clear action steps that they can do to fulfill your desire. Whether it’s a lighter touch, a slower speed, or an off limits body part, show them what and how you like it with a demo or by guiding their hands.  For example “I really like when you lightly stroke my vulva like this…” The more you can inform the desire with these crystal clear steps, the more confident and motivated they’ll feel in their ability to deliver on your desire.

5. Be receptive to your partner’s feedback. Give your partner the opportunity to share how this makes them feel. Do they want to do this? Do they have any questions? Hold space for whatever your partner is feeling in response to your request. Perhaps they are feeling inadequate for doing it “wrong” this whole time. So make it an open discussion where you are inviting them to participate with your body in this way rather than telling them what to do. This is a beautiful opportunity to build safety, vulnerability, transparency and trust. 

“But Kayle, what if I don’t know what I want in the bedroom?” (make this a break out quote so it stands out?) 

This is one of the most commonly asked questions I receive as a sex coach. Most people, especially women, have been conditioned to suppress their sexual desires, limiting the freedom they feel to explore what feels pleasurable in their bodies.  

That’s why I’ve created the free Sacred Sexuality Starter Kit so that you can experience for yourself the profound levels of pleasure, power, and liberation that come from practicing sacred sexuality. 

You’ll get 5 meditation practices that teach you my 5 core sacred sexuality tools: breath, sound, movement, mindfulness and energy. With these tools, you can heal past wounds, strip away your sexual conditioning, awaken your authentic sexuality, and experience pleasure and connection on a whole new level. 

Go to the free Sacred Sexuality Starter Kit page on this site to receive yours today!

Your future self will thank you!