I consider myself to be relatively self confident…except when it comes to love. The minute I develop more than friend vibes for someone, I feel myself reverting to that insecure little girl in need of constant reassurance that I will not be hurt.
Me: What do you think he meant when he said…
Friend: Why are you worrying about stupid sh*t? Just live in the moment and enjoy the time you have with him.
Me: Because if I can figure out what he’s thinking I can adjust my behavior and avoid getting hurt and feeling like an idiot.
Friend: Everyone gets hurt and feels like an idiot. You feel it and then you move on.
One benefit of having a male confidant is that they tell it to you straight, like a slap in the face, but it’s exactly the wake up call I need.
Pain is Unavoidable
Many years ago I fell in love with a man I thought I’d be with for the rest of my life.
And then it ended…and not on my terms.
The pain I felt was indescribable. But eventually, after countless tears, I re-emerged like a phoenix from the ashes ready to meet someone new.
I went on many quasi interesting dates, until one day I met someone who captured my heart’s attention.
But the more my heart fell for him…the more fear I experienced.
Playing games, dissecting each and every interaction, dealing with the daily temptation to destroy it before he can leave or hurt me…
It was exhausting. As well as futile.
Every day I tried to play it safe, I denied my heart the ability to fully love again…and that was painful.
But my friend’s advice gave me courage to keep building beautiful things even if those things eventually fell apart.
Why? Because nothing can take away the pain on this planet. Whether I choose to let myself fall in love or keep my heart hidden behind a padded wall of protection, I will feel pain. (breakout quote)
So I might as well risk a broken heart and broken promises and falling flat on my face so that I might taste the sweetest pleasures my heart desires and deserves.
“But Kayle, how do I stay rooted in confidence when I start to feel insecure?”
When you build yourself up through daily affirmations you create a foundation of worthiness that gives you the assurance, hope, & perspective needed to date from your power, rather than your insecurities.
Step 1: Make A List
Take some time to really consider what you love about yourself. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t hide behind playing small. Give yourself permission to celebrate and brag about what you love and write it down.
Now make a second list of all the things that make you an amazing partner. Include your behaviors, qualities, inspiring capacity, lifestyle, career, children – anything and everything that you offer in your partnership!
Challenge yourself to come up with at least 20 items per list.
Step 2: Read It Aloud Daily
Read each list out loud. But don’t just run through it, really allow yourself to feel it. You can also record it on your phone so that you have it available to play to yourself every single morning.
For even more impact, try reading it out loud in front of a mirror and make your affirmation as outrageous as possible. The more outrageous the less likely your critical voice will be to reject it. It will either be too shocked or amused to respond with its usual rebuke.
Ex: You are so goddamn sexy I’m getting turned on just looking at you! (then throw yourself kiss and a wink)
Do this everyday for 7 days straight, keeping track of how you feel.
Step 3: Pair It With A Breathwork Or Sex Magic Practice
Both breathwork and sex magic practices are extremely effective ways to access the subconscious, where much of our distorted thinking lives. Once we gain access, we can release and update old narratives with beliefs that are more in alignment with who we are now and who we strive to be.
To begin, breathe with a connected breath, no pause at the top or the bottom, while reading your list or affirmation statement. Try this for 5-10 minutes.
For even more impact, maintain the connected breath and turn it into a sex magic practice by incorporating self pleasure.
If you found these tips helpful, then the Conscious Dating program might be for you.
The Conscious Dating Program is a 14 week, 1:1 virtual coaching program that focuses on four key areas: dating from a place of pleasure and empowerment; healing your dating wounds; identifying what you want and manifesting it; and creating a personal dating code that helps you decide how to behave in dating. This program includes customized weekly action plans, self practices and mid-week check-ins.